Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
