lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
