she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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