The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I need to sanitize my soul.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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