Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
