forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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