You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Randomize
