and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
