Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Randomize