awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
