dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
