I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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