Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
