If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
