I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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