STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize