I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Michael Bay diarrhea
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
