my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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