Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
cat food counts as protein by the way
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
