Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
