DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
