that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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