Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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