i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
