I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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