Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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