my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
