Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
