Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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