Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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