I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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