My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
