im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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