my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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