i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
