Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
