i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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