They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
