I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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