Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
