I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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