1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
