Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
