Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
