david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
