Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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