now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
