Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Randomize
