you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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