The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Randomize
