she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Randomize
