We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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