I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Randomize
