and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
