You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
