Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Randomize
